Depression…..

October 31, 2009

Is probably the most unspoken word…..within oneself it is TABOO……

As it means (in most of the world)…. lack of self esteem…the fundamental essence that makes us .. an accepted person in Society…..

If one admits one suffers from it one feels they will be ostracized …..or pitied, when the LAST thing they need is that soap opera smile….with the accompanying pat on the back and the words “Don’t worry Dear things will be better..” which just make you want to slap Miss Dearie in the face…as she does not have a clue…..

I have not suffered from depression like my Mom did..which was a “chemical depression”…..which hit her and us like a ton of bricks..she was like Tina Turner …just ALWAYS OUT THERE …writing songs to sing to celebrate Everyone’s brirthdays….or their return from China..(my neph Elll)…..

until one day she did not get out of bed …and could not get out of bed….and just cried a lot…SOMETHING none of us kids had EVER seen….

.at this point in her life…Dad and she were selling their house in Cable Wisconsin (our summer house …..where he had chosen to retire to from DC…taking Mom away from the DC society she loved…

I never forget having to take her silk pumps down to our Dry Cleaner on MacArthur Blvd to have them dyed to match her silk gown and handbag)…..

and they were moving to this VERY depressing new condo in St Paul….which they lived in for a nano second…..

.the reason they sold Cable was that Dad realized he had the early stages of Parkinson….from which he died of……years later…

I was quite depressed throughout my early Life in DC …I would return from St Albans…where Eddie Stowe and his goon squad would wait for me at recess to kick me in the balls……and remember lying on the white couch in the Living Room saying….Oh God JUST TAKE ME……..

when I was at Carleton College…which I adored…..I suffered from extreme bouts..and though it was the BEST thing that happened to me compared to St Albans (4th Grade through the 12th)…..I still felt I did not fit in…as Dad had gone there and had been President of the Student Body….the Head of his Fraternity (as President of the Student Body he got all fraternities disbanded …as he thought they were a waste of time)….. he was a GREAT athelete… Capt of the Football team – the basketball team – and the boxing team (which did not exist when I was there)….the teachers all KNEW BOB ….and that is why I chose to be called Rob……

I just was always and still am an odd duck…(puhleeze no duck jokes as I am serious)….and then I realized I was Gay….which thanks to Mom saying in a Fitzgeraldian way “how chic she felt to have a Gay son”….made it so soo much more wonderfully easy …this was when I was like 23 (an old bloomer)….and after I had left college….

I get Low occasionally but really do not suffer from depression any more…..as I – about 10 years ago FINALLY got my Self Esteem…to the point where I can say Screw All of You….I am sorry but I am an odd duck far removed from you usual jocks…..

yes I have always been a loner and LOVED it….the summers during college where I worked on the Great Northern Railroad in North Dakota and in Northern Minnesota near the Canadian border…with a group of 120 men…..was TOTAL HELL …but I was trying to prove to my father that I COULD be a fucking MAN and not the wimp I thought he saw me as…..as at St Albans I could not get on the football team in Fourth Grade as I weighed too little….so consequently they NEVER allowed me on the football team…and was consigned to “Troop 19″…which was the joke among the jocks…we just played soccer and “sissy” sports back then……

but getting back to working with these macho men on the railroad….we worked from 4 AM to 12 Noon…as the quarter mile ribbon rail had to be laid when the temp was cool so the iron would not expand…which it does in heat……so we had “breakfast” at 3:30…lunch (a sandwich out on the tracks) at 8:00 AM and Dinner……

(back in the railroad cars where everyone sat according to seniority….which meant I was at the far end of the table in the second car….benches were set against the wall…and the chef and his male helpers came down the cars throwing the food in the middle of the tables…finally the word GO was said…and it was survivor of the fittest….and most of the men did not bathe…which in the first few days had me leaving the table to go throw up outside and not eat anyntihg)

anyway dinner was served at noon …after which we could do whatever we wanted to…..but had to go to bed early …as the Northern Summer sun was usually up….since we were awakened at 3…for those that chose to shower…which were few…..

but after dinner I was of course the odd one…rather than trying to look for pussy in the one street towns..like all the other guys..would take my book out into the wheat fields which rippled in every direction as far as one could see toward the distant horizon……I though was a joke..a sissy to them ….as NO ONE READ….or could comprehend it……

so I was usually feeling down….

we were given a pass to go back to the Twin Cities for the weekend…which I did as my grandparents lived in St Paul …..I was given my mother’s room (she was an only child)….and I just felt so free….my grandmother was a Christian Scientist whom I loved to death…and my grandfather was not a church goer who did not speak much…but I truly admired him as he had only an 8th grade education……and ended up being Secretary Treasurer of the Great Northern Railroad….

shoot I have digressed…..

I guess the other day at work I was shocked to hear my (well don’t tell her as I cannot be a BURDEN EVER to her…and I am serious about that )……but she is my best friend as she just tells you WHAT the truth is whether you like to hear it or not….she is kinda cursed….in a good bad way…as there is NOTHING she can do about it…..the truth just flows out of her mouth…..

anyway she said she was feeling LOW…well…I was TOTALLY stunned…as SHE NEVER has been down since I have known her…12 years or more…

….it reminded me of Mom…and how fragile we all are…and that there is NOTHING wrong with being Low or Depressed as long as you know how to treat it..(which a lot of us do NOT know how to) …Michelle…with these dull eyes and low ashey face….said …”don’t worry about it …..it will pass…” which it sure did the next day…..I mean when she smiles …THE WORLD LITES UP……

for me when I am low….I realize NOW ….(took a long time)….. it will pass…usually physical exercise helps me…as I really don’t like talking about it with ANYONE else …..probably the Scottish blood in me…I am just wired that way…..

so the Point of this blog is….DON”T EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF…as there is NO replica of YOU ..your essence and WHAT you contribute (unknown to you) to your family, friends and to LIFE…..which depends on us odd ducks…….

WITHOUT YOU THE WORLD TRULY COULD NOT FUNCTION!!!!!

I Love you all ..and would say lets all get together…

BUT I am a loner…and my TRUE happiness is taking my book out into the wheat fields of North Dakota!!!!!

ALONE!!!!!

(sigh)

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