WHERE is my Wig???

November 8, 2009

I finished today “Mad World – Evelyn Waugh and the Secrets of Brideshead” ……written by Paula Byrne….a British author who lives in Warwickshire with her three young children and her husband Jonathan Bate – the critic and biographer….

I had seen “Brideshead” on TV many many years ago…..identified with it and totally loved it…..

reading this book was totally fascinating…..part of the reason… my being homosexual….I wondered what other gay men experienced and suffered through…as it was NEVER spoken about when I grew up ..much less with or by my Uncle Sumner…..

what I had NO KNOWLEDGE OF was how gay experiences were part of the tradition at Oxford back in the period between WWI and WWII – as men were NOT allowed to socialize with women…..most of them ended up marrying……(a woman)….as Evelyn did twice

I read an article yesterday in the London Times by Delves Broughton – “The rise of Japan’s ‘girlie man’ generation”….which TOTALLY gave me an insight into Japan of today and even more into how much I have changed in the last couple of years….

Japan until recently has been a VERY conservative society…where the macho traditional man and 2nd rated woman lived and married….and after WWII …the importance of having money was more important than anything else….which drove them to purchase so much property in the US….Rockefeller Center…the Bel Air Hotel …..Van Gogh’s “Irises”…jetted back and forth all over the world with their latest cameras….

well Generation Y (the 20 and 30 year olds) is Today!!!

….and they shun their grandfather’s and father’s big expensive cars and properties and total materialism….and just want to be liked for THEMSEILVES……they are totally family oriented…..as Takeuchi says in the article….”making a big effort to be something I’m not just isn’t me. I want to be natural, just to be myself.”…

it is frankly WHAT took me a long time to attain ….the simplicity and importance of ….BEING ME …loving MYSELF ……and frankly not giving an F about anything else….

.(sigh I finally have answered Dad’s question of 50 years ago in the Sauna when he asked me What Was the Most Important Thing In Life For me.. I wish I could have said “LOVING ME” )

Thursday morning I had one of those sheet tossing moments..when I awoke too early…(1:30 AM) …and had 2 hours to go before I was to get up…didn’t want to read or watch TV as I knew I would never go back to sleep…

… it was MY dream that woke me up…..it was quite divine…..

…..back in the 80’s my devine partner in business Elizabeth ….and I had hired a wonderful carpenter to remodel our shop..up in the exclusive area …. Sunset Plaza . and the capenter was ..Wayne Victory ….

well I have not really thought about him since then….but I dreamt that I walked into my living room and he was lying on the Oriental carpet in front of the fire place….holding his blonde hair 2 year old son ……he was concentrating very seriously …..

at all of these playing cards laid out in front of him as his son was squirming in his arms……

he looked up at me with his grey curling hair,intense chestnut eyes ….. and gave me this heart piercing smile…

(he flirted with both sexes….only it was a game to him and nothing more….he was the salt of the earth John Wayne type man)

well I AWOKE with a start as I knew Wayne was gay and never had a son ( back in those days Gay men Could NOT adopt)…..

I thought shoot…what made me think that and destroy my sleep and the dream from going on to where I wanted it to….

I went Thurs night to Little Tokyo in LA – the Japanese American Cultural Center to hear the Nobel Prize Winner of Literature for 2006 Orhan Pamuk…who just finished a novel he has been working on for 7 and half years “The Museum Of Innocence”.

..I loved his novel “Snow”….

well Orhan is a handful…pity his wife – if he has one – as he is VERY verbose – and god forbid if you disagree with him…but then maybe I am wrong…it might be a cultural thing …it is just that he is SOO …. like too assured of himself…..

but one thing I found fascinating….he said objects are TOTAL memory prevoking….

say you come across a book and find a movie ticket stub that you used as a bookmark many years ago……

..and it has the date and what you saw that night…it will bring back the memories of the theatre…the person you were with…..and the smell of that night……

for me I find scents and tastes that take me WAY BACK …..to our Blue Ridge Summit lilac bush …to Burgundy Point and the smell of the dead rats in the walls….the awful smell of the Outhouse that had a heart on it carved by Per…the husband of our Norwegian Nanny – Cook – Lisa…to Forest Lodge…..and the intense scent of the flowers (flocks???) in that fabulous log cabin living room

eating a sweet pickle….takes me back ..to my very early days On Lake Namekagon to the Bobynn Resort (one of Al Capone’s favorite hang outs)

to my sister Daidie playing “If I Knew You Were Coming I Would Have Baked A Cake”….on their Wurlitzer Juke box in the bar….the smell of beer was quite wonderful….probably why I have always loved it….

and Randy (the only gas station owner for miles)…his wife …with her right arm missing a hand…it was a stub …serving us with her wonderful smile and white uniform as we looked out on the lake as the sun began to set….throwing up such intense dazzling brightness that you could not gaze on if for long…..

as she served their soo soo wonderful fried chicken……

Tonight has been the BEST night of my weekend…as I was with my favorite person…..who is quite a few years younger than I am….but the WISEST person I Know…..she ….carries the world on her shoulders….

and NONE of this she EVER asked for….but being in her presence…well you feel all of the question marks fall out of your head…clattering to the floor…….and you just feel this warm enveloping happiness…..(none of which she intended)……she cannot help being who she IS…..

this is an awful thing to say….but if I ever felt I should talk to God…..oh I won’t go on…….

….there was a play I read back in college…on this ship….people were being ferried between life and the afterlife…some did not make it to the afterlife – they were sent back….and the person to whom they burdened their stores with ..well was the bartender…..

anyway my friend and I …..were talking about the movie “Precious”…..and she said that her best friend said…”why should I go see it….as I have known that life existed since I was born….incest….people being raped…..robbed….drug addicts…it frankly is nothing NEW to me.”

which made me realize how sheltered MOST all white people have led their Leave It To Beaver lives .

I was UNAWARE….

.I mean the Black experience….is sooo unknown (by Whites)…. or I should say soo unacceptedly recognized…the picture I have is of white women fanning themselves…sipping Iced Tea …on their veranda with their white gloves on saying “Gosh No that does not happen here….”

shit I won’t go on with this…….

..the suffering and pain they have endured and continue to endure tears me apart….but seeing “Precious”

well she tore this poor white guy’s heart out……I looked for…

my wig in THE box in Grannie Toad’s bus…….Uncle Desperate MUST have stolen it …..

and my lipstick…..

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