FUCK Genes …just learn to GIVE back a Smile!!!!

May 18, 2012

I blame my fucking Danish, Scot, Irish  genes for making me more of a brooding  Hamlet…type…..

I have always wished I could be more OUT THERE…. acknowledging people…whether it is strangers I encounter on the street…or the “help” I meet in restaurants…..

Today I went to Kaiser for my semi-annual checkup with my colitis doctor…..

And as I was sitting in the waiting room…(the “View” was on the TV screen)…

..this older white man   came in on his walker with a carer……and when he saw me reading the NY Times…he effervescently  said…

“What is the BAD news NOW???”…

I who never have a clever retort said…”I DON”T read BAD news”…

I  was reading an article written by Peter Khoury “After Elaine’s,  You Can’t Go Home Again”  meaning when you find a restaurant you feel SOOO comfortable in…it is hard to replace it…

I TOTALLY identify…as I still mourn the closure of my “Angeli”….Evan Kleiman’s fabulous restaurant on Melrose…that existed from 1984 until this year…..

I  was pissed that this old geezer had interrupted my thought process

… and then felt bad after I overheard him talking to another equally loquacious white geezer that he Thanked the Lord for allowing him…after 4 operations to be with his 3 year old grandson…whom he said has a 6th sense and knows when to go get his walker…..

this  woman’s BUSHY  pony tail…

she was sitting 90 degrees next to me..her back to me….well she kept animatedly  shaking her pony tail..

…brushing unintentionlly (sp?)  my face…so I had to lean  into the obese lady next to me..which also bothered  me…..

The door to the doctor’s offices opened and this Black guy came through…

and as he was leaving …he waved at the Black receptionist…  ..as if he knew her…which he might have…but for some reason I just felt he didn’t…

….he  smilingly said “Thank you Angela..HAVE a  GREAT weekend!”

I WAS jealous and felt inept…. HE TOTALLY changed my attitude……I thought WHY cannot I be as friendly????

it made me think of my dear friend Michelle..who can light up a room JUST by …….. entering it…..with her blindly Electric  smile….

I swear it is genetic…..

BUT as I ambled down to the Idiot for dinner…I made a point of making eye contact with all I passed….one white guy walking up the maple  tree lined street with his wispy   blonde haired baby strapped to his chest facing out…nodded hello…as I nodded hello..

but I smiled at the baby…who smiled back….

I sat at on my  favorite stool on the far wall…. overlooking the kitchen and the whole restaurant…..there were two chefs on…both totally covered in tats…..the one closest to me was a young girl….like in her 20’s…and the far one was a young man….in probably his 30’s

Jessie….(I think is her name…one never knows..as they ALL take turns time waiting on you…whomever is free…)… has been my waitress twice …wearing her LARGE Jackie-O’s glasses ….smiled and waved at me…..from far across the room………

then the girl chef served me my “No Face”…and I swear….

WHERE has KALE been” all of my 65+ years…as I totally LOVE it!!!

I went back to reading my New York mag….looked up once and the buxom manager Laura waved at me from across the room….I waved back thinking WHY is EVERYONE so wonderfully happily demonstrative today

….maybe because I am usually so self absorbed in my Danish/Scot/Irish way…reading …..

which made me think of the article Mariana Cook wrote ….”Wild Things” about the artist/writer  Maurice Sendak..(who died just recently) in this weeks “New Yorker”..in which he says:

“It’s hard to be happy.  Some people have the gift of pulling themselves up and out and saying there is more to life than just tragedy.  And then there are those who can’t, and I’m one of them.  Do you believe it when people say they’re happy?”

so maybe my genes are not THAT  bad…and have the talent of “pulling myself up and out”…as I have really have NEVER been unhappy …..I just find Life …so so WONDERFULLY beautiful……and DO feel very Blessed!!

as I left the restaurant…I made a point of thanking the tatted wonderful female chef..she was like sorta surprised….

Jessie…across the room ……… with her Big horn-rimmed glasses on…..waved again…I waved back….

I  dreamnigly felt  ..that  we had had sex earlier before she went   on duty….and we were politely acknowledgingly each other…so NO one else knew how close we were…I honestly wish I had been born straight..as I  DO LOVE women!!!!

and as I passed the Mexican watering the bushes outside … I said “You ARE doing such a GREAT job”…

he smiled and said “Thanks Boss…”

I can’t end this without mentioning that my college roommate …whom I have not really talked to alone in 44  years

(we saw each other many moons ago  at a college  reunion..he was with his family…)

… came through town…to see me..as he and his wife were motoring on to Carmel to see a friend who is a vintner ..a friend they met way back in the late 60’s and early 70’s when they were in the Peace Corps in Thailand….

well back in 68…Tom and I roomed at Carleton College in our senior year..with John Greenman…

(I dropped out the last term tho…so did not complete college until 69…due for my love for Tom whom at the time seemed suicidal as we BOTH were in LOVE with the same girl)

and this was before I realized that I was Gay…as back then …it was a “disease”….and I honestly did not know….as homosexuality was impossible….”they” thought….it could be corrected…..

but I always felt this  lightening bolt ….emotional  thing for Tom…I remember fighting and wrestling with him down the staircase at Severance Hall….each trying to kill the other…..

it was like what  I assumed  Greek men felt way back then in mythology….just wonderfully private….an energy that was non descriptive…..

when Tom walked into the Idiot….well…yes we have aged…but the intensity of the feeling was still there…..(one does NOT have to be sexually  involved to feel INTENSITY…it was what the brilliant British actor Bill Nighy said on Charlie Rose about acting with the wonderful WONDERFUL Judi Dench…..her  ENERGY just KNOCKS  you out.)

we spent several hours and several brews talking about our past…of college…of the girl we both loved…Sherry…

it is so reassuring that some things will NEVER change…..like my 96 year old  Aunt’s place in Northern Wisconsin ..the Beautiful “Forest Lodge”…that I have KNOWN…for 66 years…..

if you love some place or someone…NOTHING can take that ELECTRIC  feeling  away…..

and the  point of this blog….

is ……………………LOVE LIFE!!!!

just acknowledge how wonderful you ARE…and make a point in GIVING back…

as a smile costs NOTHING!!!!

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