July 7, 2012

What perv – buys the seat next to the obviously occupied aisle  seat in an  almost  empty  movie theatre…..well this heffalump next to  my seat did…..

He had a belly that Buddha would be envious of…..coke bottle glasses that he must have borrowed from Bette Davis……tufts of hair protruded from his oily white  nose …..he was short – I didn’t look but don’t think his legs totally reached the floor.

He was crunching wildly on this 24 foot (at least) long hot dog….with the most ginormous bun ….. must have stapled 24 single buns together  …..I have never heard lips smack louder – Dolby Sound!!!

He had a bottle of water in the cupholder to my left and on the other side of this overly bloated belly was a cup full of some  repugnant sweet smelling strawberry  whipped  cream drink…..at his feet was a file box on top of which all I could see was a Super Sized Bag of popcorn…..and next to it was a recycled shopping bag full of lord knows what other food items….I just could NOT believe it

As I was sitting down the heffalump managed to bite further into his dog causing it to squirt relish juice all over my pants…..

the consumption of hot dogs should be banned in movie theatres…..and only be allowed outside at picnics or 4th of July events…..the scent in the theatre was godawful.. full of sweet strawberries and onions and farty hot dogs…..

The opening  scene of the movie was of Michelle’s toenails that were painted an unbecoming aquamarine color that seemed to go with his strawberry drink in an outright assault on the senses…..

they  panned up to her pouring this very soupy liquid into a muffin tin….all I could think was Michelle your batter is not thick enough….ain’t no muffin babies being born  from that goulash…..

then the next scene after she has placed the muffin tin in the oven she slivers down to the floor and rests her head against the glass oven door…..I thought hmmm….. doesn’t look like too cheery a movie…….

well heffalump finished his dog after 1/2 an hour..and switched to his VERY noisy popcorn bag….it was the size of a garden trash bag……

most people have the consideration of putting their popcorn in one of those  noiseless flimsy cartons (that always look like they are going to fold in half when held in one hand) …but oh no he has to have the nosiest bag that was EVER  made in Dang Shau Province in  China….where the best firecrackers  are manufactured….or so I have been told…..

the next scene I recall was of Michelle in bed with her husband…they had AQUAMARINE pillow cases ..a beige bottom sheet and white top sheet……..(I thought what is with all this aquamarine that really only belongs in the ocean or on/with dark-skinned people….who flatter the color and vice versa..)…obviously the mismatched sheets are to let us know they don’t have many CD’s in the bank…

and here it is the middle of summer – well I know because they have table fans everywhere…..but what in the Hell is a married couple in bed ..doing …with their underwear still on as they are waking up…..I mean they have to take it off beneath the sheets. (n this is the next scene as they yawn and the daylight streams in)……before I gather they are going to have  sex…..

.so obviously no nudity in THIS movie……

about this time a Woody Allen figure enters the theatre – loudly saying in Brooklyneese…

“Where’s My Seat”….”Where’s my seat???”….he nervously acts like he missed his train….

the usher points up next to the Heffalump….”Sir it is up next to that fat man”……

“Where did you say…where is it..???.”

the usherette brings him up to our row and seeing the aisle blocked I imagine  she says:

“Sir you must place your hat box and bag in the overhead rack – wheels pointed out and keep the aisles clear at all times…”

…well Heffalump’s stomach  extends  to the seat in front of him ….. rises to his nose…so he can easily wipe his nose on the tent like  shirt he is garbed in …I guess an advantage of being obese…………  he had to balance the box on his head as it would’t fit on his belly…. as Woody nervoulsy slithers in…..

I think Jesus…..what next???

well  Michelle falls in love with the man across the street….but is so wishy washy white with indecision it just all rubs me the wrong way…..so  after an hour and half…..I bolt…

as I am leaving the theatre ……

I hear a burp and an oink…….

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