Stop Hating Yourself!!!!

January 10, 2013

A dear friend of mine tomorrow is 20 years sober.  I gather from his stories he was way out there..on drugs of all sorts and alcohol….not happy with himself….

I TOTALLY Congratulate him!!!!

It is extremely hard to come back …especially from a drug addiction …as it not only is a physical thing but a mind control thing…

I am so glad that  when I was younger that drugs like meth and bath salts were not available …just uppers and downers (Black Beauties ..Seconal (which I loved)….

And Acid  (which I hated)  was given once at a party at my bosses house…Nicky Nichols….who as the morning rose on one of his parties that began 12 hours before  …said “Robby” swallow this…well Lord I went from being slightly inebriated to seeing Alan Taylor’s  (to whom I was talking) tongue get larger and larger…and the pores on his tongue were like attacking me….and just as they were attacking me …Nicky comes out (I was out on the patio chatting with Alan before all of this)…he says “Sugar…WE are going to have breakfast…”   I said OH NO…not me….as I was paralyzed and could not move…as Alan Taylor’s pores were killing me…never have seen such a pink tongue …

Well Nicky ALWAYS had to have his way…and stuffed 6 of us in his station wagon….I purposely sat near  a door in the back…and when we came to the first stop sign…I jumped out…saying I feel sick…

I got back to my car…and drove back very scared to my house…as EVERYTHING seemed to be attacking me….it was like 8 AM…I got under the covers and thought everything would be OK…NO….it was not to be…the weave of the sheets were attacking me…even though my eyes were closed…..

I thank the lord that crystal meth and bath salts did not exist back then as a drug of choice…..

And all of this I did to be “accepted”….which began after  I was rolled down the stairs in a trash can  by Henry Murray at St Albans  in DC… as I was physically puny …………..well it took me a LONG time to get over that…

I was raised privileged (and this has taken  me a long time to realize and accept)

…our family had a 3 story brick house in  NW Washington DC….

where we had a laundress (my best friend Alice ..a Black woman I loved to death…..she gave me the best advice ..every day when I came back from St Albans…… I would race downstairs and  be at her knees   as she ironed Father’s white shirts …she was the ONLY Black person I ever met…until Frank Snowdon was admitted to St Albans in the 8th grade)…

and a cook/Nanny/ house cleaner (usually Scandinavian)

… we had a weekend house ..actually there were eventually 3 houses on the 12 acres property with a spring fed pond/swimming pool., a tennis court, a paddle tennis court, a sauna, a ski slope… there were rainbow trout that we put in the pond/swimming pool..where Dad taught us how to fly fish…..

…and a summer home that our Aunt Mimi had given my  parents as a wedding present …at Burgundy Point on Lake Namekagon….across the Lake from Forest Lodge….

But I realize now in the  last chapters of Life…that NO money or privilege separates you from any one else…as self doubt/self hatred  is universal…EVERYONE on this planet goes through the horrendous experience…

What brought all this on…

there is an article in the current New Yorker..”The Science of Sex Abuse”….which is something I will NEVER understand….I think men that have this problem should just be castrated…..

and then there is an article in this week’s “New York” mag…entitled “The SELF in Self-Help” by Kathryn Schulz ….which is interesting….

She says “ ‘self-help’ comes from a book of that name, published in 1859 …by Samuel Smiles”…who says we are here to help OURSELVES, not to get help from others nor lend it to them.

She goes on to say that “possibly we need less help…what Buddhist believe…”

And then she talks about herself : “I have NO Idea how I got over my depression. I spent a year doing the things one does: I read “Feeling Good”, went to therapy, got exercise, tried to eat well in the utter absence of appetite, and routinely forced myself into sympathetic company when every particle of my being  …wanted to curl up..”

“And then some moon in my inner universe set silently, and the awfulness went out like a tide.”

“But none of us…no matter what anyone says to the contrary – can tell you precisely how it happens.  Maybe it was the therapy…the running…the meditation….fasting, freewriting, hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, speed dating, volunteering, moving to Auckland, redecorating the living room…”

For me it has been time…the change in my self acceptance began in  a course I took at Carleton College that Bardwell Smith taught about Zen Buddhism…..

It was winter ..I and my wonderful roommate Tom  were in love with the same girl (this is a year before I realized I was gay)….Sherry and I were taking the Zen course…the three of us were in  a spiral of unhappiness…(basically with our ownselves)….

Sherry and I  went down through the snow…and sat together under the bridge over the Canon River….   meditated (though we did not call it that back then)….and strangely enough were staring at the same rock in the ice encrusted river …after 30 minutes …the rock turned into a duck and flew off….

Well I cannot tell you WHAT a release it was to us…we looked at each other and just burst into laughter….as we walked back to the campus we passed a friend ..Mike Nelson …who said “Nobody deserves to look as Happy as you guys do!!!”  (we were in finals week)….

It takes a long time for some…as it did for me………some get it faster…but in the long run…IT HAPPENS….

You find you REALLY  LOVE yourself… you are Amazed that it has happened…..and want to twirl around dancing on the shores of Lake Superior as your sister is laughing….you grab her and polka up the sandstrewn shores under a Full Moon….

Life is Excellent because it does…

HAPPEN!!!!!

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