Rejection….one feels RIPPED apart by barbed wire

July 7, 2013

I sauntered down late this morn to the Idiot for Brunch…a liquidly warm, cloudless LA Day….

I have not been to the Idiot for over a month…and, like Life, all of the help have changed…..

the Mexican busboy has been replaced by a white boy/man….the economy and pool of unemployed college kids has affected all businesses…to the displacements of the Mexicans who came here looking for a basic job that most Anglos would not have taken a few years back…..

I sat at my usual favorite spot – in the bar that overlooks the kitchen – has about 6 stools….I was MESMERIZED by the chef…a young – straight (not that really matters except for his gentleness) man – probably in his mid 20’s…a tall bloke…stubble of a beard…what caught my attention was when he went to crack an egg and drop it into the frying pan…well he would ever SOO gently tap the egg against the stove…and then very softly (somehow)…open it …letting it drift into the sauce pan….with a smile…..

all I could think of was how happy his girlfriend must be by his gentleness……

I was upset last night by getting an email from a dear friend who is a VERY talented artist….

it actually was a response to an email she had sent out about her dog Jaspar getting involved in music…..

it was from a musician she had collaborated with …he very gently – you could feel him smiling – just CUT HER UP….in the very Thank You Mam…way…some people have of inserting the knife….

it threw me back against the wall ….. as this woman is one of the kindest people I know……

this led me to think of the rejections I have gone through in Life…..a lot though is due to my assuming wrongly…like feeling my father was disappointed in me….as I did not turn out (in my eyes a Super Jock like he was)…but back then MEN did NOT show affection or emotion other than laughter ….as they would be perceived as weak by their peers…..

it was the WAY they were brought up…but .I realized that after my Dad waited to die for me to get back to St Paul from Hawaii….(my whole family was there)….that he truly Loved me….(sigh!!)…which did not bring us closer…it just made ME more aware…of how Life plays ….

Growing up I had the usual rejections that most kids go through….being bullied ….kicked in the balls daily by Eddie Stowe with his goons…and rolled down stairs in a trash can by Henry Murray…

laughed at when I went out to read in the wheat fields of North Dakota as I worked for the Gt Northern Railroad….(I was one of 152 people laying ribbon rail (quarter mile sections)…4 AM til Noon…when we had the rest of the day off…the rail had to be laid when it was cool as otherwise the actual rails would expand due to the heat)…I did this for 2 summers….

but the guys could NOT imagine why I would want to read…especially out in the wheat fields

most of them went in to the nearest town to cruise the local girls and get drunk……but Lord it was Noon when we got off….and had “dinner” …which is another story….we had to get up at 3 AM to have breakfast before starting the grueling physical work at 4 AM…….

the last rejection I had besides the normal of sending my writings to different literary publications…..

well it was by my old school mates …at St Albans…..as our 50th anniversary is next year….there were only 50 some of us originally…most who went from 4th grade to 12th….I HATED the school…a privileged type school…(the top in DC still but now co-ed…and I would hope more understanding)

….it was not until I went to Carleton College that I realized that there WERE Real people out there…..but for some naive – dumb reason – I sent to our STA class email list my blog of being Gay… …well I cannot tell you the hateful responses I got back from some….it just shocked me into realizing you do not go back…nor do people change….(sigh)

I guess what started this note…besides last night’s hateful email…was an article in the NY Times by Ann M Morrison entitled: “NOT Willing to Be a Footnote”…about Segolene Royal….whose lover and father of her 4 children Francois Hollande is now President of France….he dropped her before he assumed the Presidency …. his current lover is Valerie Trierweiler ..a journalist for Paris Match…which supported him in the election….

Segolene failed to win a seat in the National Assembly last year which sent her into “political exile”….

She has over the years felt REJECTION…but has become hardened by it….

When asked about how she has dealt with the “power of destructive jealousy”

she said:

“I want to be indifferent to vengeance. It’s degrading. Not having the spirit of vengeance PROTECTS me, internally….”

So carry on dear Catherine….just a momentary mosquito bite ….. that in NO WAY diminishes or STOPS …….your ongoing Rainbow hued Brilliant lantern….that shows us all the WAY!!!!!

One Response to “Rejection….one feels RIPPED apart by barbed wire”

  1. xxR:
    Your presence even though faraway was near and a balm.

    “I was upset last night by getting an email from a dear friend who is a VERY talented artist….

    it actually was a response to an email she had sent out about her dog Jaspar getting involved in music…..

    it was from a musician she had collaborated with …he very gently – you could feel him smiling – just CUT HER UP….in the very Thank You Mam…way…some people have of inserting the knife….

    it threw me back against the wall ….. as this woman is one of the kindest people I know……”

    And, to learn you brought forward your own experiences of being mutilated, violated, humiliated and with complete falsehood stole my breath- not the kind that is from breathtaking awe from natural beauty, the kind that is deliberate like a stealth bomber and are sucker punched.

    I credited him repeatedly. That is my nature. We NEVER do things alone. It is Divine intervention and a wave of shared energy. I knew that he had the capacity to explode and do it with an innocent pretense.

    I usually Bcc. For some reason , I did not with the silly email regarding Jaspar, his mash-up hair do and his truly incrediible response to music! It was a laugh to share.

    I was working in the studio, my laptop over in the study. I saw his email, the first half, and I replied: Did you read MINT PRESS and all the links? Your name is mentioned repeatedly….and I said his sweet greeting: “my dear friend” did not match the content. And, I did not think he views me as a friend. I closed asking about how his wedding plans were going. There had been no communication since the end of May upon his request. He had allot going on in his life.

    Then I started receiving texts after I sent my reply over my cell, and the word “appalling”..”shocked” was used. I went over to my laptop. I then discovered he used my email list sent to people to share a laugh as an opportunity to a “gun” to his nursed rage, and cc everyone in his REPLY ALL! I was shaking. I simply wrote to him: Why would you cc your anger? Choose such an action and send his anger to people I care for? Why. Thank you.

    I did NOT sleep all night. My muscles went into spasms. I am still rehabbing and in Physical Therapy twice a week.

    I knew he was going South when he retrieved his headphones that accompanied the installation- and where the interview for the podcast would take place He took mine, and did not tell. The night before, I entered the installation space in the space of a dear friend and the amazing man who built the “hinges” for the visuals of ISAIAH and FIRST LIGHT @ NIGHT were assisting me set up. That is when I learned he retrieved not only his headphones, took mine and took all the cords. It was so strange. It was like he was sabotaging the sonics- the work we collaborated on.

    Thank you dear, dear xxR.
    I cannot welcome Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personalities into my life.
    I am heartbroken for him. He revealed himself, not me.

    I love you.
    I miss Jane.
    I could hardly breathe today.

    I went into the studio and hoped Amazing Grace would still my blood, heart, marrow, muscles, psyche and calm my breath.

    Thank you for sharing your life and your stories about being ripped apart by barbed wire.

    We live under ONE sky.
    Every action should be considered like a prayer.

    Call and response.

    The people who received his bile, my friends, I am so sorry. I am not him. He stands in his own anger.

    LOVE is an energy,
    Catherine

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